My forever first crush

Pause for Thought on BBC Radio 2, Scott Mills Breakfast Show

My first crush and a short-lived forever

Script

I just got back from the 20 degree sunshine of Marrakech. I didn’t go for a holiday though, it was for something pretty scary in fact – I was there for an intensive five day writing masterclass – think bootcamp more than retreat. 

One of the exercises was on sharing a childhood memory and as I jotted away in my notepad, I was transported back to my first crush, when my 12 year old heart was stirred for the first time. There he stood, an Adonis outside the gates of the boy’s school. He was slender, olive skinned, with beautiful dark eyes, while my eyes were stealing glances via my granny pink NHS glasses from the back of Mum’s car, waiting for my older brother to finish class. 

I told no-one my secrets, apart from my diary. This was more than just a crush. This was real. This was forever. Well, not quite forever. As I decided to put an end to the one-sided love affair by burning the diary a year later. But in that time, I clung to my pure, true feelings, like nothing else mattered.

I remember when my crazy student days were like a summer that never set, but when they were finally over, I started the long trudge of figuring out how to be a grown up. I remember never seeing my mum cry so much as she did the time my dad left this world. The tears carried her on the shoulder of grief, and now, her eyes crinkle in laughter whenever she recalls the funny things Dad said and did.

Whether it’s a first crush, a carefree summer, or a mist of loss – I reckon it’s only human to feel an eternity within them. Yet also, nothing lasts forever. And I think there’s a fragile, honest beauty in both these truths.

“Be content at this moment in which you exist. Do justice to it. For even this you won’t find again”, says Imam Ghazali, the 11th century Muslim scholar and philosopher.

I want to do justice to each moment, I want to put my arms around every one, bitter or sweet, and give them their full dues with all my heart. As for my Adonis, I guess my first crush, however short-lived, will forever be my first crush.

 

Pause for Thought on BBC Radio 2, Scott Mills Breakfast Show